Dependence.

If you've read the last few posts you'll know two things about me... I've been planning my make-believe wedding and trying to lose weight. Last night, during Community Group our worship exercise was revolutionary for me in both these areas of my life.

We did this exercise that basically had us read a section of scripture, reflect on it, and possibly share what God had shown us. We read 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. It's a familiar verse, but for the first time I saw some things. First someone pointed out the thorn being in the flesh and that flesh is referred to as sin in the bible. So, maybe this thorn was an on going sin Paul continually struggled with. Maybe he prayed and pleaded that it be removed from him... from his desires and God didn't do it. Yes, God forgave this sin. But, he didn't remove the constant temptation of it. That remained as a reminder of Paul's weakness as a man. A reminder of his dependance on God. A reminder that he is the creation and God is the creature. A reminder to boast in God and not Paul's ability to conquer sin on his own. A reminder that only God can conquer sin.

We were asked to think about what was our weakness:
What do you constantly have to depend on God for?
What brings you closer to God?
What do you plead to God to take away, yet when He doesn't you draw nearer to Him because of His presence in your struggle?

The person leading shared that a friend woke up every single day with a desire to drink. An overwhelming desire that if not relinquished to God each day, they'd be overcome by. This got me thinking about my constant sin of gluttony. How I have to relinquish this to God every single day. I can not conquer this sin on my own. Only in the hands of God do I have freedom from this sin. I realize that earlier this year that's where I found myself; in the hands of God, begging for his freedom from food. Begging Him that He be a bigger comfort and desire than food for me. He answered. He moved. He was all this for me. However, more recently, after seeing success in weight loss, I've taken this back on myself. Boasting in what I have done and not what God has done. This was no longer a weakness because I've got it. I can do it.

That's a complete lie. I can't do it. I didn't do it. God set me free yet I put myself back in captivity. A slave to food. My stomach is my god again. That's not where I'll stay. I praise Jesus for being patient and slow to anger. He's a loving father who is excited that I've come to realize this and is standing smiling with his arms opened wide as I joyously run towards him.

After some self reflection, our leader asked if anyone was bold enough to say what their weakness was. I wasn't bold enough, but someone, a guy, said singleness. This struck me. I'm used to women talking about how the struggle with singleness. You'll find a workshop at every women's retreat on singleness and contentment. We are taught over and over again to be content in our singleness. But, this was the first time I have ever heard a guy acknowledged he struggled with his singleness. Wrongly in my mind I figured any guy who was single wanted to be single. Cause, you know, all they had to do was ask a girl. We were the ones stuck waiting.

It occurred to me that guys in fact have to wait too. They have to wait on the Lord. Which, let's be honest, can be harder than waiting on a human to ask an audible question. When I think of the guy I would want to marry, I want a man who, above all else, does the will of the Lord. Who is deeply devoted to Christ and what Christ wants for his and my life. I don't want a guy who, at his desire, runs after something.

I've been too hard on guys. Judging and scuffing at them undeservedly. They don't have it easier... in fact, I kind of think that they might have the harder job.

How do these two seemingly different realization come together?

God simultaneously showed me where I was boasting in myself and in Him. While I was boasting in my success at weight loss, he was bending my will to his in my singleness. I sat there and realized this is why I am content in my singleness right now. I still desperately want to be married, but I'm resting in God's timing; boasting in Him and what He's doing in me.

I've stopped thinking about what I need to do. Stopped seeing all the faults in me of why I am single and allowed God to work. Stopped thinking He doesn't know what I need so I'll help him out by ruling out guys before they even have a moment to hear from God. I've stopped boasting in myself and started boasting in what God is doing in my life.

That is exactly where freedom in Christ resides. Boasting in my weakness for that is where Christ is strongest!