Since crying over the phone with my friend, things have not gotten easier as I watch my grandma's health deteriorate. She has stage 3 Multiple Meyloma which a younger person in excellent health who underwent invasive treatment would live around 5 years. My grandma might have a year. She doesn't believe she'll make it to Mother's Day (tomorrow); I think we have weeks and praying she makes it to her 65th wedding anniversary in the end of June.
Thursday morning we got the message to get to the hospital ASAP. We typically gather once or twice a year at Christmas and in the summer. My grandparents are always prepared for this and have outfitted their home to accommodate us. Their basement as a row of twin beds so all the cousins share a room. Last night as we were falling asleep my oldest male cousin started praying quietly out loud to himself. I don't come from a family of great faith and prayer is something done before big, festive meals. So there was something very special about hearing this young man pray. He prayed briefly and so desperately to himself. To hear him pray was so beautiful especially since he's autistic and relates to people differently. I just laid there and listened to his simple cry to God.
"God, be with me.
God, be with my grandma.
Help my grandma.
Help me."
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Community in Trying Times
The past week has been incredibly hard and I don't think it's going to be getting easier any time soon. Last Thursday my grandma went back into the hospital. She was just there the week before after being short of breath and having low oxygen. Then really early Saturday morning they transferred her to the larger hospital because the small town hospital couldn't get the fluid to drain of her lungs with oral medication. Saturday she had fluid drained from around her lungs, Sunday she had a CT scan that showed masses in her abdomen, Monday she had another CT scan this time of her whole abdomen, Tuesday she had a biopsy of the masses, and Wednesday she had a tube inserted into her lung cavity to make draining fluid easier. Today she rests.
I was with them Saturday through Tuesday. It was probably the hardest days of my life so far. My grandparents provided a refuge and retreat for me all through my childhood. My best memories are on their farm: riding their garden tractors, sewing with grandma, and sweeping grandpa's wood working shop. Every summer they would take my brother and me on vacation in their motorhome for a week or so. We saw most of the US by their sides. Now, she's in the hospital and there is no other place I'd rather be than by her side. Yet, it's not easy. I'm a couple hours away from friends and community who now love, support, and care for me.
It's this community that I am so grateful. The word cancer had been thrown around several times, but Tuesday morning the words "advanced cancer" were spoken for the first time. It was too much. I had to leave the room and eventually leave the hospital. As I walked out the doors, I texted a good friend of mine and then talked on the phone. After hyperventilating crying for a bit she spoke grace and love over me. She reminded me of the gospel and the holy spirit that is giving me strength, wisdom and courage.
From that moment on I was different. I was living out of Christ's strength and not mine. There are few moments in my life where I can distinctly remember experiencing the mystery of Christ's church interceding for me. God uses His church to speak to His people. Nothing else would have satisfied or comforted me but the words of God being spoking directly into my life and circumstance by a good friend. God's words and grace are real and felt in times of trouble. He is always present and quick to lavish His Fatherly love, protection and comfort.
I was with them Saturday through Tuesday. It was probably the hardest days of my life so far. My grandparents provided a refuge and retreat for me all through my childhood. My best memories are on their farm: riding their garden tractors, sewing with grandma, and sweeping grandpa's wood working shop. Every summer they would take my brother and me on vacation in their motorhome for a week or so. We saw most of the US by their sides. Now, she's in the hospital and there is no other place I'd rather be than by her side. Yet, it's not easy. I'm a couple hours away from friends and community who now love, support, and care for me.
It's this community that I am so grateful. The word cancer had been thrown around several times, but Tuesday morning the words "advanced cancer" were spoken for the first time. It was too much. I had to leave the room and eventually leave the hospital. As I walked out the doors, I texted a good friend of mine and then talked on the phone. After hyperventilating crying for a bit she spoke grace and love over me. She reminded me of the gospel and the holy spirit that is giving me strength, wisdom and courage.
From that moment on I was different. I was living out of Christ's strength and not mine. There are few moments in my life where I can distinctly remember experiencing the mystery of Christ's church interceding for me. God uses His church to speak to His people. Nothing else would have satisfied or comforted me but the words of God being spoking directly into my life and circumstance by a good friend. God's words and grace are real and felt in times of trouble. He is always present and quick to lavish His Fatherly love, protection and comfort.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Old Familiar Verses
I seem to skip over verses that are extremely familiar to me, as if I've gleaned every ounce of knowledge or power from them. Yet, it's these familiar verses that speak such volumes of truth to me; they are famous for a reason. These past weeks Psalm 23 has spoke such life into my soul.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want,
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
As I look at what God does in this section and what my role is, I'm astonished at what I find...
God: I:
shepherds follow
commands lie down
leads walk
restores sit
calms dwell
comes
comforts
corrects
disciplines
speaks
attentive
prepares
provides
abundant
celebrates
anoints
welcomes
Too often I think I need to command (even God), it's my job it go to Him, I must discipline and fix myself, I have to prepare my way and a place for me. Yet, God says to me follow, lie down, walk with me, sit with me, dwell with me in the home I've prepared for you.
May I remember God's goodness in these verses always, and never believe I've gotten everything I can out of them.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want,
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
As I look at what God does in this section and what my role is, I'm astonished at what I find...
God: I:
shepherds follow
commands lie down
leads walk
restores sit
calms dwell
comes
comforts
corrects
disciplines
speaks
attentive
prepares
provides
abundant
celebrates
anoints
welcomes
Too often I think I need to command (even God), it's my job it go to Him, I must discipline and fix myself, I have to prepare my way and a place for me. Yet, God says to me follow, lie down, walk with me, sit with me, dwell with me in the home I've prepared for you.
May I remember God's goodness in these verses always, and never believe I've gotten everything I can out of them.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Moderate Success
It's been over a week so I was so frustrated. The week proved to be helpful and was met with moderate success. I didn't loose the 5lbs I wanted to, but I can't get angry over losing 2.5. Each week I feel like I learn more and more...
I don't think I'm eating enough. Which seems contrary to logic... losing weight = eating less. But, many of the days I found myself with points left over (sometimes up to 10 or 12). I wasn't hungry and I often ran out of time in the day so I just didn't eat them. But, I think I wasn't fueling myself to actually lose fat. Kind of like you have to spend money to make money... you have to eat fat (good fat, moderate fat) to lose fat.
Changes for this week...
1. use all my daily points
2. keep moving
3. take it day-by-day: one night I just couldn't imagine how much further I had to go and how I was going to make it there. I started to get overwhelmed when I finally asked myself "can you do this tomorrow?" After answering yes, I decided that's where I'd start. Eat right, drink water, exercise tomorrow and go from there. One. day. at. a. time.
I don't think I'm eating enough. Which seems contrary to logic... losing weight = eating less. But, many of the days I found myself with points left over (sometimes up to 10 or 12). I wasn't hungry and I often ran out of time in the day so I just didn't eat them. But, I think I wasn't fueling myself to actually lose fat. Kind of like you have to spend money to make money... you have to eat fat (good fat, moderate fat) to lose fat.
Changes for this week...
1. use all my daily points
2. keep moving
3. take it day-by-day: one night I just couldn't imagine how much further I had to go and how I was going to make it there. I started to get overwhelmed when I finally asked myself "can you do this tomorrow?" After answering yes, I decided that's where I'd start. Eat right, drink water, exercise tomorrow and go from there. One. day. at. a. time.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
FRUSTRATION
I'm frustrated, angry, annoyed, emotionally drained, tired, and probably a little cranky. It's been a long couple of weeks and I'm just about through with it. Today I stepped on the scale and I was up a little over 2 pound! WHAT?! How can this be?! I've been eating healthy, working out 4 times a week, eating within my points, and feeling great!
So... I did what any rational person would do, step on the scale three more times to see if the number would change.
Nope.
Oh! I know, change the batteries in the scale, that's got to be it!
Nope.
Ah! Last week you weighed yourself straight out of the shower.
Oh yes... there it is just +.2!
Still... I'm frustrated. I'm convinced God is calling me to really lose weight this year... 100 pounds to be exact. I'm convinced that I need to glorify God with my body. Then, how can I not be succeeding in this?!
Have I been perfect? Absolutely not!
Have I been trying my best and eating within my means?! Absolutely!
So, I'm frustrated. After I sat in that for awhile and texted my friend. I came up with a plan.
This week my goal is to lose 5 pounds. I know, I know, that's a lot. But, I've done it before and I feel like I'm due for a really good week. To do that I'm increasing my protein. Recently I've switched to a lose, but fairly close to vegan diet. I believe it's much healthier (when done right), but I just can't get in the recommended protein that I need and stick within my weight watcher's points. I don't want to give up eating vegan yet, so I'm going to try including a couple servings of hemp protein. On top of that, I'm increasing my workout times and quantity. I've only been doing 4 days at 30 minutes. I'm loving my gympact account, but I think I feel like I'm done once I hit my pact. I've increased that to 6 workouts a week. And, I'm going to get back to distance instead of speed in running. I'm just more comfortable with the distance than I am with speed. However, I know I need to work on speed so one of my days will be in the gym on the treadmill doing speed work.
I'm frustrated.
I have a plan.
I will glorify God with my body.
So... I did what any rational person would do, step on the scale three more times to see if the number would change.
Nope.
Oh! I know, change the batteries in the scale, that's got to be it!
Nope.
Ah! Last week you weighed yourself straight out of the shower.
Oh yes... there it is just +.2!
Still... I'm frustrated. I'm convinced God is calling me to really lose weight this year... 100 pounds to be exact. I'm convinced that I need to glorify God with my body. Then, how can I not be succeeding in this?!
Have I been perfect? Absolutely not!
Have I been trying my best and eating within my means?! Absolutely!
So, I'm frustrated. After I sat in that for awhile and texted my friend. I came up with a plan.
This week my goal is to lose 5 pounds. I know, I know, that's a lot. But, I've done it before and I feel like I'm due for a really good week. To do that I'm increasing my protein. Recently I've switched to a lose, but fairly close to vegan diet. I believe it's much healthier (when done right), but I just can't get in the recommended protein that I need and stick within my weight watcher's points. I don't want to give up eating vegan yet, so I'm going to try including a couple servings of hemp protein. On top of that, I'm increasing my workout times and quantity. I've only been doing 4 days at 30 minutes. I'm loving my gympact account, but I think I feel like I'm done once I hit my pact. I've increased that to 6 workouts a week. And, I'm going to get back to distance instead of speed in running. I'm just more comfortable with the distance than I am with speed. However, I know I need to work on speed so one of my days will be in the gym on the treadmill doing speed work.
I'm frustrated.
I have a plan.
I will glorify God with my body.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
31 Challenge
My dear friend and motivator came up with a brilliant and I do mean BRILLIANT plan a few weeks ago. She's always sending me new goals and challenges we could do... I'm not a huge goal setter/challenge taker (okay...aside from the whole marathon thing). But, this was just too good to not partake in. Ladies and gentlemen we present to you....
Confession... just last week I texted my friend and said I couldn't do it...that I was changing it. Of course, ever being the encourager/motivator, said I was being a wimp and that I took off less time from my 5K in fewer weeks.
We'll be having a virtual 5K on both of our birthdays when the time comes. Will you join us?
Confession... just last week I texted my friend and said I couldn't do it...that I was changing it. Of course, ever being the encourager/motivator, said I was being a wimp and that I took off less time from my 5K in fewer weeks.
We'll be having a virtual 5K on both of our birthdays when the time comes. Will you join us?
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